Christmas Fantasies

I am at my favorite meeting standing near the coffee pot and He walks in. He slowly makes his way to where I am standing and I swear I feel him/smell him from a distance. I whisper that I want to roll around in my bed with him like we did last night for about 4 days and I am sure that even then I will want more. I am pretty sure an older woman hears part of this conversation but I do not care…I am getting high on thinking about it and this is a high that is legal, acceptable, yet cannot be bought.
We take our seats and it is quite distracting to see him across the room but he has taken a position that allows me to sneak eye contact frequently and I am elated to know I have a full hour to indulge in my fantasies while sneaking peaks. He feels it too…this I am sure of.
My mind wanders to last night and makes my tummy tingle. I was not sure my tummy still had the ability to tingle like this…I thought perhaps this was a feeling reserved for teenagers or persons who haven’t become hormone challenged yet. It was just last night he walked into my little nest and I want to replay it in my mind.
It is the first time we have been alone together. I know it will be intimate and have already lit the candles, started the fire, and turned on the soft music. The fact that my only main piece of furniture is my king sized bed set up in front of the fireplace makes an easy excuse to gravitate right to it. He kisses me in a way that seriously makes my toes curl. I have done a lot of kissing in my life and much of it has been done with my mind elsewhere but these kisses are such that my mind can only be on him. Maybe it’s his pheromones, maybe it’s partly the fact that I haven’t had sex in many many months….whatever. All I know is I do not want this to end. We have an unspoken agreement that there will be no clothes coming off during this first time of tasting each other. This somehow makes our kisses teasier. He is stronger than I realized and suddenly I am sure he has the most perfect body for me. I allow myself to explore only so much…is his chest hairy? Yes. Is he ticklish here? Yes. We kiss and tumble for a suspended amount of time and then it is over for now. We know there is much more to come but we want to do this right.
The meeting is over and since I have received a chip for 60 days of new sobriety it is appropriate to get hugs. He hugs me in a way that I am sure tells everyone that we have either been naked together or intend to very soon. Are people staring? I do not care. We are adults, we are single, we are going to rock.
The scene at my nest is repeated a few more times in between more meetings, dinner dates, and long phone conversations. Is this how people date when they aren’t fucked up on drugs or alcohol? I am not sure but I am sure that I will remember every detail and I will not be consumed by pitiful and remorseful demoralization afterwards. How cool is that??
It is a few days before Christmas and the last time we pried away from each other I whispered that Christmas might be a special time for us to make love. He agrees. I have no other plans for Christmas so this seems perfect. I have a few more days to play with this fantasy and continue to be high from these natural chemicals in my brain that the all knowing Universe created the ability to produce.
There will be intimate presents of this I am sure. There will be no alcohol to artificially enhance our feelings…of this I am also sure. There will be a memory made that will permanently remove the horrid association of Holidays with depression that many years of drunken episodes created for me.
Suddenly the Christmas music played in stores everywhere doesn’t make me want to rage or cry. Life feels good. Life can change. I am blessed to be given another chance at it.

The Prince of Prince Park

It is Saturday morning and I am preparing to ride to Casa Grande and be of moral support to my friend who is picking up an RV that he intends to live in.
This strikes me as somewhat weird…like not the typical thing one might be doing on a Saturday in late November.
Since we are taking the Harley, I resist the temptation to use my customary 5 hair products. Afterall, at this point I am an experienced bike rider and I know 2 hours from now I will have bad hair no matter how good it started out.
It is chilly early in the morning so I put on layers, and am happy to find out I get to wear the black leather Harley jacket. The Wise Man is wearing leather Chaps which I have not seen, and I think they look a little sexy. I briefly imagine what they would look like wearing nothing else…then pull back realizing we do not have and will not have that kind of relationship.
I make a mental note that I want a pair of my own and I plan to try them on in private wearing nothing else.
The best part of this day will be the ride. Time to blow all the clutter out of my brain and there seems to be much of it.
I reflect on the last few days and my mind settles on a woman who shared at a meeting last night. She was a PTA mom and used to bring a cooler filled with her drink of choice when volunteering places. This seems perfectly logical to me, and reminds me of having 3 corkscrews and a sleeve of plastic cups in my Mercedes SUV at all times. Also perfectly logical. I liked this woman and imagined that we would have been good friends attending PTA events with our Tupperware sippy cups full of wine. Plus she thought to have an entire cooler which would have meant little chance of running out. I wonder if we could be friends now and enjoy overindulging in coffee and logical conversation. I am still discovering exactly what that looks like.
I think back to earlier yesterday when I went to get my mail at the place I used to live. I was on the Harley since that is my current preferred mode of transportation and looking quite sporty I thought with my pink bandana which matched my pink shirt. She was walking out to get her mail at that exact moment. She looked at me and laughed and said I looked funny. I thought she looked beautiful but I didn’t say so because that might have sounded like I was in a forgiving mode which I am not so I said nothing.
As I am mulling over other similarly important events of the last 24 hours, we arrive in Casa Grande which sounds romantic but in fact is not. The RV is in storage in a dusty field and it looks like it grew up there and is now hoping to be retired. I notice the name of it is “Alpha” and I wonder if Alpha knows he is getting a new home today and will be put back into service.
He is reluctant to move and it takes 3 men and thank god one of them is an electrician because Alpha has some serious wiring problems. I decide I am glad that Alpha is not going to be my home and I think the Wise Man wishes it wasn’t going to be his but he doesn’t say so.
On the ride back we are caravanning, following Alpha to make sure his lights don’t short out and I am stung by a bee on my leg. It hurts so bad and I want to pull down my pants to see this bee sting but of course I am on the back of a Harley on the Interstate and this is not possible. It hurts so bad I want to cry and I realize that wanting to cry over physical pain is very different than wanting to cry over emotional pain and I will take the physical pain anyday. This makes the bee sting hurt less so by the time we stop I don’t even look at it.
We arrive at Alpha’s new home….the park on Prince which is named Prince Park and the Wise Man announces he is now Prince of the Park which makes me want to be the Princess. I like this idea of being a Princess of something but right now the Princess has to pee and Alpha is a long way from having a functional bathroom so I set out to find one while the men go to work.
I am walking down Prince towards what I am pretty sure is a Circle K and it occurs to me that I always think people who walk down streets like this must not be able to afford cars then I realize I really can’t afford a car either but I miraculously have one. I wish I had it now so I wouldn’t have to walk to the Circle K then I really wish I had it when I found out that in a neighborhood like this they won’t even let a Princess pee in the employee bathroom at the Circle K. I resort to squatting out in back of Alpha and decide that I really don’t want to be the Princess of Prince Park but I promise I will come and visit if the toilet gets hooked up.
We eat chicken with our fingers and ponder about what to do with Alpha because he is really not habitable and the Wise Man knows many things but tools are not one of them. When a friend says something inviting like “I have a 39 foot RV in Casa Grande that’s yours for the taking” it is probably best to take a look at it before committing.
I laugh which I do a lot of these days and I don’t even care about my hair because he thinks I am beautiful that way. Not your typical Saturday…but this hasn’t been my typical life.

OK, enough of the somewhat depressing peek into my mind! Wow...I think a person needs to hit a real low in order to emerge stronger and open to personal growth. These past few weeks have produced a series of things that have brought me great peace. I'm settled in my new little place now, and ready for whatever the Universe has in store for me next! Here is my comfy casa.

My crazy hat

This is where I store all my pics for my blog posts!